Tsk Tsk Mr Penguin

Uh oh! Its HowlingFetus and she's armed with a laptop! Take cover!

Yeah. Yeah I know. My past posts have been lacking in the funny department, but I assure you... This one's a good'un. Want to know why? Sure you do. Let me tell you.

It's about a particularly annoying friend of mine that just happens inspires me to rage and rant like I did in the early days of "No Offence, But...". You know, when things I made were funny instead of depressing and relatable.

Well fuck that I don't want you people relating to me. Not only does it make ME look bad, but it makes you look worse. So let me just get started hmm?


So here's this guy right? I'm gonna call him The Penguin (inspired by the Socially Awkward Penguin meme). See, he's a little... special. Don't get me wrong, he isn't one of those Herpy Derp types of special people. He's just a little bit inwardly focused. Something along the lines of Ass burgers syndrome or whatever.
ANYWAY, he has this habit of saying very random, very stupid and very uninteresting things. Today for example, he decided to quote Wheatly from Portal 2 over and over and over and over and over and over... etc.

Well yes that doesn't seem so bad. But it's annoying. To me. Who has very little patience for dumbassery. I don't even have the patience to deal with my dumbassery, so you can imagine how frustrating this sort of thing could be. (Here's a hint though... the answer you should be imagining is "Quite")

So here I am, ignoring him while he spouts the ramblings of a slightly retarded robot and I get to thinking about a little incident I had with him a few weeks back! The Penguin was talking about how nobody likes him, girls wont let him bone them, he's lonely, etc. I relate to that. I'm sure you relate to that too, peons. But when you say "hey, listen, you're lonely and you're a good friend. If you wanted to go out with me, i would be happy to give it a shot". I said this -despite- my lesbian nature. But what does he do? He says "I don't like fat chicks"
... what.
Beggars cant be choosers ass bag! Listen Penguin, I don't like skinny men with penises, but I still figured the companionship would be nice. Don't get me wrong though, I'm actually glad he didn't want to. I't was a relief in the end. But damn, what a way to break it to someone! It's like me saying to him if he -DID- ask me out "Sorry but I don't like aspies". Not that this is true. I figure everyone is worth a shot. It's what's inside that counts, blah blah blah girly acceptance.

As I've mentioned in a previous post, I'm probably one of the most accepting and open minded people in the entire known universe but that doesn't mean I wont hate you're guts if you openly tell me I'm unattractive because of my body. Fuck that I say. I like my body, you don't have to, but don't TELL me how you feel. Even bitches like me have feelings. In fact my feelings are probably bigger since they grow with the rest of me. So think before you speak you stupid Penguin bastard!

And please... PLEASE stop talking about Portal 2... I just cant deal with it any more dude. It wasn't -that- good! Get a new obsession for the love of CHRIST, I'm BEGGING YOU.

As with all friends, eventually I'm gonna drop you entirely Dr. Penguin, but until then, make your existence a little less of a pain in the ass.

WELL anyway, that is all for now Peons. I hope you enjoyed this post as much as I enjoyed the breaks in-between writing it.
-HowlingFetus-