Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Life as a Walrus

Greetings loyal followers, HowlingFetus here with yet another post. Today children, our topic is weight loss! Or more specifically, my weight loss.

I'm a big lass. Numbers don't matter but to give you an idea, when I go out, I tend to only see a handful of people bigger than me, if any at all. I suppose all those other fat people are hiding. Which is fine I suppose, but I would feel better if I didn't feel like I am drawing peoples gaze all the time and instead the judgemental glares are upon some other chunky ass.

So generally I entertain the idea of losing weight. I try. A lot. I've tried diet, exersize, diet AND exersize, weight loss pills, starving myself, and still nothing seems to work. It's like my body is programmed to be this way. Which sucks balls.

So I went to see my doctor in the hopes that they could say or do something that might make a difference. What I got out of it was the number of a dietician. Of course, most people would see that as a hugely helpful thing to receive but to me, its a waste of time. I know nothing this dietician can say or do for me will help. I might lose a few kg but it will stop. It always does. Which will be followed by me somehow gaining back that weight and more, despite following this diet to the letter. I know this will happen because it has happened a dozen times before.

This is all very pessimistic of me but the reality is that -nothing- works. Which bothers me... Because I'm not an ugly girl. I have a cute face and all but It's hidden behind the chunkyness. It's not fair, because seriously, I would very much like to be on a date or at least been kissed before I turn 20 in 4 months time. I'm starting to realise that the fact that I've given up any hope of ever being attractive is not as pathetic as I might have once believed, since it doesnt seem to be in my control.

I dont know people. As much as I try, I'll always be a fat girl and I dont know if I will ever be ok with that. It might be different if someone who -didnt- have a fat fetish or wasnt my best friend said "you're beautiful".

But hey.
Dreams are just dreams.

Friday, 25 November 2011

Nine Deadly Sins?

So I figured it was about time that I write something on this blog and get it back into action. As I currently have nothing to complain about, I figured this is as good of a topic as ever. I want to talk about the 7 deadly sins. As I have done previously, I will be making extensive use of Google Definitions. However, when I began to look these up, I realized that in wikipedia there is actually 9 deadly sins...

"A very strong sexual desire". I highly doubt there is anyone on Earth that hasn't or won't have"very strong sexual desires" at some point during their lives. Hell, I'm about as emotionally stunted as a person can come and even I've lusted after people. Isn't lust a much nicer word than saying you have a very strong sexual desire for someone? However, it definitely isn't as 'to the point' as saying to someone "I have a very strong sexual desire for you.." or "I desire you strongly.. in the pants.".

"Habitual eating to excess". I type this as I'm down to my last square of a block of chocolate that I started eating only an hour ago.. Actually, I take that back.. I have no more chocolate as I am typing this. I know that I didn't need to eat the entire block of chocolate. And it wasn't even emotional eating or anything like that. When I'm eating something, I'll be really enjoying it to start with.. And then I'll notice that there's only 1 more row until half the block is gone, so I say to myself; Well I can't leave it like that. That just looks ridiculous. Then I'll forget about what I was trying to accomplish, and eat some more. And finally I will realize that there is no point leaving an insignificant amount there, like, a quarter of a block. That's just not fair for when I want to eat it again!

"Intense and selfish desire for something, esp. wealth, power, or food". I think that I have a very intense and selfish desire to be better than other people. However, there are lots of people like this, but we don't call it sinning anymore. We call it having a "competitive nature".

"Reluctance to work or make an effort; laziness". I actually left this until last because I didn't know what to write on it i.e. I was being sloth. There are always times when people are reluctant to work or to make an effort, I wouldn't nesecarily say that it's a bad thing, sometimes it just really doesn't matter if you give 100% on something, especially if the outcome is going to be no different.

"Spiritual or mental sloth". I don't have faith. I believe that that makes me spiritually sloth. It's not that I'm arrogant enough to say that there is certainly no God, it is just that I don't know. I believe that this kind of opinion is known as being agnostic. Agnostic is defined as; Of or relating to agnostics or agnosticism. This is exactly how I would define it. But, I think that this kind of spiritual sloth would also be considered an entire mental sloth, as it's based on me being undecided. There are certain aspects of religion that I do believe in, such as the whole moral basis.. be a good person.. I believe in an afterlife and that if you're a good person that you should be rewarded.. But I don't know if this is real or not. I haven't died yet, so I can't tell you.

"Extreme anger". I have extreme anger for a lot of things. I once had this guy as my best friend, let's call him Hatchet. I call him this because he once threw a hatchet at me while we were camping. Anyway, so Hatchet used to live with me because his mum kicked him out. He lived with me for quite a while. It was an extremely irritating experience. In fact, it was an extremely angering experience. However, we stopped being friends once he told my mother, the woman who had taken him in and looked after him, to go to hell. There is no one on Earth that can get away with being rude to my family or friends without incurring my wrath.

"A feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck". HowlingFetus here, guest authoring this section for YourCaptainSpeaking, coz basically, I have a perfect example of envy. See, she got a boyfriend recently! My best friend! Got a boyfriend! That makes me really really happy. BUT I'm also a selfish asshole. I am undeniably jealous of her having a relationship which forces me to have slightly sub par feelings towards the whole situation. I'm less envious of her -now- than before since you know... true love conquers all and YourCaptainSpeaking is pretty great. But the point is that I was jealous (envious) of her and the boyfriend, 007, that I could have very easily killed the friendship we have. Luckily I came to my senses before any damage was done. But you know, everyone gets like this. You cant help it. It's a part of being human and to deny it is to deny your humanity. So fuck god and his rules. This sin is exempt in my eyes.

"Being especially proud of a particular quality or skill". One of the qualities that people talk about at university or at work is being able to take pride in yourself and your work. Am I being set up to go to hell by the people around me? No, I don't think so. It's good to take pride in your qualities, it gives you confidence. And confidence attracts people to you. Having pride in yourself will make people lust for you. Maybe I should write a self-help book; The 9 Deadly Sins: How to make life your Bitch. I think it would sell, and I will make tons of money. How greedy is that?

"Inordinate pride in oneself or one's achievements; excessive vanity". Now, I don't know if you've also realized this by now, but all these sins are basically telling you not to excessively do anything. And for the extra sins that have been added (Acedia and Vainglory), are basically stating not to excessively violate of the other deadly sins (i.e. sloth and pride). I think that's a little excessive in itself. But I do really like this word; Vainglory.

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

I, on behalf of all of us here at No Offence, But... studios, would like to apologise for our lack of posting. It is of course in no way our fault and is much more likely to be yours.

Thank you for accepting the blame.

We will begin regular updates again shortly.


Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Waiting is like being Dead... It's pretty Shit.

Truely a matter of life and death has come to my attention.

I have just noticed that my copy of Modern Warfare 3 will be ready at 7 in the morning. Sooner if I lived anywhere but Australia, but hey, our government likes us living in the stone age.

Anyways! You cant possibly know how excited I am for this... It's gonna be like an orgasm sandwich.

And I really fucking love sandwiches.

I cant imagine how excited im gonna get when Skyrim comes out.

Well no doubt once I am able to play MW3, i'm gonna withdraw from society and complete my metamorphasis into a morbidly obese cave dwelling hermit who lives for the soul purpose of pwning n00bs.

We'll see, wont we.

Saturday, 5 November 2011

There's a Snake in my Boot!

My boot (house) is currently inhabited by a Snake (bitch).
I'm fairly sure I've mentioned this Snake once or twice before. I know for damn sure that she pops up 2 out of 3 times in the Diary of a Fetus and I know I've beaten this subject to a bloody pulp, but I really just don't think any of you understand just how much of a pain in my ample ass this Snake character is.

Yeah. So Snake is a nosey bitch. She doesn't know what's -her- business and what isn't.
Snake loudly slurps every drink she takes and then.... "AAAHHHHhhhh"
Snake types on her computer as if every key stroke we're a matter of life and death, ESPECIALLY the enter key...

Did I mention she was my house mate? I'm sure you figured that out. She's gotta be the worst house mate in the universe. The whole universe. Not just this universe. Every single universe ever. Buuut you know... I'm stuck with her. I mean, I could just kill myself or something but it's only just barely not going to be enough to escape such horror and I don't think I can be bothered forming a suicide cult just to get the bad taste of the Snake out of my mouth.

Seriously, let me tell you guys something she did today.
She recently purchased computer headphones with a microphone thing attached so she can talk to people in games and her computer just happens to be in the living room *sigh*.
So I tell her;
"If you're gonna use those things, maybe you should move your computer into your room."

Now what do you think is a normal reaction to this statement? "No, thanks, I just wont use them any more." or maybe "OK fine but let it go on record I'm not happy about it".

Well no that wasn't quite what Snake had in mind when I asked her to piss off. She chose to bang her hands on the table 3 times, scream and start crying.


So I think you understand just what I'm dealing with here.
If any of you readers have any idea how to get rid of a Snake problem without having to buy a fortune worth of Mongooses, please... PLEASE let me know.


Sunday, 30 October 2011

The Plague

Traditionally, a Plague was a disease that wiped out half of Europe. This post is more akin to a plague of locusts, only far, FAR more dangerous and cruel.

I am of course talking about Mormons.

Mormons. Dressed in private school boy suits, armed to the teeth with bibles and pamphlets and wearing a pleasing demeanour like a suit of armour. They take advantage of even the smallest opening and pour themselves into your life like an Octopus squeezing into a crack in a wall.

The face of evil.

I have this thing... it's sort of a tick. See, when someone talks to me, I'll be polite, no matter how much of an asshole they are or how obviously Mormon they are. When these people first knocked on my door I figured I would be nice and speak to them. Humour them.
My first mistake.
Getting to know these people was a mistake of incredible proportions. They turned out to be really nice people. I became friends with them. A second mistake. After becoming friends with them, I realised that they were in fact still trying to convert me. Oh and after 3 months, both of these Mormons transferred to a new area so I got stuck with two new guys. These guys could barely speak English and were extremely awkward.

So now I'm stuck with these foreign idiots who visit me DAILY and I don't know how to tell them to kindly fuck off. How... how do I live with this plague? The only cure is to be cruel and tell them to go die somewhere. But I cant do that. Not to their face. Maybe I should show them this post? Pretty fantastic idea I think.

Either that or I dig up a rifle or something and remove them the old fashioned way.

That seems easier...