Greetings loyal followers, HowlingFetus here with yet another post. Today children, our topic is weight loss! Or more specifically, my weight loss.
I'm a big lass. Numbers don't matter but to give you an idea, when I go out, I tend to only see a handful of people bigger than me, if any at all. I suppose all those other fat people are hiding. Which is fine I suppose, but I would feel better if I didn't feel like I am drawing peoples gaze all the time and instead the judgemental glares are upon some other chunky ass.
So generally I entertain the idea of losing weight. I try. A lot. I've tried diet, exersize, diet AND exersize, weight loss pills, starving myself, and still nothing seems to work. It's like my body is programmed to be this way. Which sucks balls.
So I went to see my doctor in the hopes that they could say or do something that might make a difference. What I got out of it was the number of a dietician. Of course, most people would see that as a hugely helpful thing to receive but to me, its a waste of time. I know nothing this dietician can say or do for me will help. I might lose a few kg but it will stop. It always does. Which will be followed by me somehow gaining back that weight and more, despite following this diet to the letter. I know this will happen because it has happened a dozen times before.
This is all very pessimistic of me but the reality is that -nothing- works. Which bothers me... Because I'm not an ugly girl. I have a cute face and all but It's hidden behind the chunkyness. It's not fair, because seriously, I would very much like to be on a date or at least been kissed before I turn 20 in 4 months time. I'm starting to realise that the fact that I've given up any hope of ever being attractive is not as pathetic as I might have once believed, since it doesnt seem to be in my control.
I dont know people. As much as I try, I'll always be a fat girl and I dont know if I will ever be ok with that. It might be different if someone who -didnt- have a fat fetish or wasnt my best friend said "you're beautiful".
Dreams are just dreams.