Genius

I've failed Math more times than I've taken it.

The Plague

Traditionally, a Plague was a disease that wiped out half of Europe. This post is more akin to a plague of locusts, only far, FAR more dangerous and cruel.

I am of course talking about Mormons.

Mormons. Dressed in private school boy suits, armed to the teeth with bibles and pamphlets and wearing a pleasing demeanour like a suit of armour. They take advantage of even the smallest opening and pour themselves into your life like an Octopus squeezing into a crack in a wall.

The face of evil.

I have this thing... it's sort of a tick. See, when someone talks to me, I'll be polite, no matter how much of an asshole they are or how obviously Mormon they are. When these people first knocked on my door I figured I would be nice and speak to them. Humour them.
My first mistake.
Getting to know these people was a mistake of incredible proportions. They turned out to be really nice people. I became friends with them. A second mistake. After becoming friends with them, I realised that they were in fact still trying to convert me. Oh and after 3 months, both of these Mormons transferred to a new area so I got stuck with two new guys. These guys could barely speak English and were extremely awkward.

So now I'm stuck with these foreign idiots who visit me DAILY and I don't know how to tell them to kindly fuck off. How... how do I live with this plague? The only cure is to be cruel and tell them to go die somewhere. But I cant do that. Not to their face. Maybe I should show them this post? Pretty fantastic idea I think.

Either that or I dig up a rifle or something and remove them the old fashioned way.

That seems easier...

Tsk Tsk Mr Penguin

Uh oh! Its HowlingFetus and she's armed with a laptop! Take cover!

Yeah. Yeah I know. My past posts have been lacking in the funny department, but I assure you... This one's a good'un. Want to know why? Sure you do. Let me tell you.

It's about a particularly annoying friend of mine that just happens inspires me to rage and rant like I did in the early days of "No Offence, But...". You know, when things I made were funny instead of depressing and relatable.

Well fuck that I don't want you people relating to me. Not only does it make ME look bad, but it makes you look worse. So let me just get started hmm?


So here's this guy right? I'm gonna call him The Penguin (inspired by the Socially Awkward Penguin meme). See, he's a little... special. Don't get me wrong, he isn't one of those Herpy Derp types of special people. He's just a little bit inwardly focused. Something along the lines of Ass burgers syndrome or whatever.
ANYWAY, he has this habit of saying very random, very stupid and very uninteresting things. Today for example, he decided to quote Wheatly from Portal 2 over and over and over and over and over and over... etc.

Well yes that doesn't seem so bad. But it's annoying. To me. Who has very little patience for dumbassery. I don't even have the patience to deal with my dumbassery, so you can imagine how frustrating this sort of thing could be. (Here's a hint though... the answer you should be imagining is "Quite")

So here I am, ignoring him while he spouts the ramblings of a slightly retarded robot and I get to thinking about a little incident I had with him a few weeks back! The Penguin was talking about how nobody likes him, girls wont let him bone them, he's lonely, etc. I relate to that. I'm sure you relate to that too, peons. But when you say "hey, listen, you're lonely and you're a good friend. If you wanted to go out with me, i would be happy to give it a shot". I said this -despite- my lesbian nature. But what does he do? He says "I don't like fat chicks"
... what.
Beggars cant be choosers ass bag! Listen Penguin, I don't like skinny men with penises, but I still figured the companionship would be nice. Don't get me wrong though, I'm actually glad he didn't want to. I't was a relief in the end. But damn, what a way to break it to someone! It's like me saying to him if he -DID- ask me out "Sorry but I don't like aspies". Not that this is true. I figure everyone is worth a shot. It's what's inside that counts, blah blah blah girly acceptance.

As I've mentioned in a previous post, I'm probably one of the most accepting and open minded people in the entire known universe but that doesn't mean I wont hate you're guts if you openly tell me I'm unattractive because of my body. Fuck that I say. I like my body, you don't have to, but don't TELL me how you feel. Even bitches like me have feelings. In fact my feelings are probably bigger since they grow with the rest of me. So think before you speak you stupid Penguin bastard!

And please... PLEASE stop talking about Portal 2... I just cant deal with it any more dude. It wasn't -that- good! Get a new obsession for the love of CHRIST, I'm BEGGING YOU.

As with all friends, eventually I'm gonna drop you entirely Dr. Penguin, but until then, make your existence a little less of a pain in the ass.

WELL anyway, that is all for now Peons. I hope you enjoyed this post as much as I enjoyed the breaks in-between writing it.
-HowlingFetus-

End of the world..

Readers, this is YourCaptainSpeaking, if you look to your right you will see our new poll, 'How do you want the world to end?'.

Honestly, Honesty.

So one of our readers brought up the word validation in one of his comments.. This lead me to thinking about what I wanted to be 'validated' in. Which, in turn, lead me to thinking; Should I be honest about this need for validation?

AND THIS finally got me thinking about honesty.. That's right. Honesty. And I don't know about you, but I'm not always a very honest person. Well I don't lie often, but I do keep a lot of things to myself. So is this wrong? Should I be more open?

Google defines honesty as:

1. The quality of being honest.
2. A European plant (genus Lunaria) of the cabbage family

That was a tremendous waste of the 10 seconds I took to open the google browser and type in "what is honesty?".

Now, when I think about the fact that I should be more "honest", I think about certain times where I have been honest and it's smacked me back in the face.. Much like the time when this inappropriately-dressed girl, in the middle of winter, said that she was cold.. and I replied "well maybe if you put clothes on this morning, you wouldn't be.".

This was, apparently, not a very good time to be honest.

I've been told that I don't pick the right times. Which, from the example I just gave you above, would seem like an accurate assumption. However, I'm not exactly sure if this was just a "wrong time" to be honest, or if I just didn't really care. I admit it, I do not like this girl very much.

So with all that said, I bring you back to my point about wanting validation; the act of being validated, as Google would say. Sometimes you just need to be told you're doing a good job, you know? Even if you know you're doing a good job. In fact, when I'm praised for doing a good job, I nearly always try harder next time I'm doing something similar to 'out-do' myself. I can get pretty competitive.

Speaking of competition, you know what's a pretty stupid game? Tic Tac Toe. You win, then the other person wins, then you're up to date with all the moves and you draw 10 times in a row before you both decided that it's just too boring.

This is YourCaptainSpeaking, asking you all to be honest with those around you. Because hey, if those around us don't like what we have to say, then fuck that.

Sorry, is my existance bothering you?

Oh look it's another post already! By your favourite author no less!

Hello again peons, this is HowlingFetus with yet another rant. This time however, It will not be depressing and mopey or anything to that effect. No. Today's rant is about intolerance. Or more specifically, intolerant ass bags.

Let me start with what pissed me off just now. Now, I at no point have claimed to be a tolerant or accepting person. That would be because I feel no need to justify myself to anybody. But hey, I'm just gonna put it out there that I'm just about the most accepting person you will ever meet. I have to be. I'm a freak. I've been judged and hated for who I am more times than I care to remember. But when a person insults and passes judgement on me (or anyone for that matter) based on something as ridiculous as preferring to bang your own gender as opposed to the opposite, things tend to get a little hazy and fists start flying.

I think everyone has that one thing that sets them off. Mine just happens to be homophobia. Which is all to common (although decreasingly so). More common these days is religious intolerance. I cant tell you how many times I have been around someone as they hatefully remark on a woman wearing a burka or a cross around her neck.
Yes... Even the cross is getting hate frequently enough for me to raise the issue.

These things really piss me off. I mean, sure I made a joke about Christians in an earlier post, but I honestly have nothing against them. I simply did so to make a point. I know first hand the intolerance directed towards gays and strangely, even vegetarianism. I mean, for fucks sake people, these people are making a concious decision to not be a part of the slaughter of animals. How can anyone judge them for that?

The general level of intolerance and hate that just seems to -exist- in the world now forces me to hide my opinions and beliefs for fear of being judged more harshly than I already am. Now, I don't claim to know you, but I'm pretty sure you know what I'm talking about. Fat people are instantly judged as being greedy, rich people are judged as being snobby assholes, teenagers are judged as being vandles and delinquents. There is no exception to the rule. Everyone is hated by someone for some completely invalid reason.

...and that pisses me off.

If you have any comments, such as, i dunno... an opposing view, I'm happy to hear it and discuss it with you.

Oh and since I'm supposed to be making this post less depressing, I'm gonna give you a free joke...

Two cows are in a field
One says "Moo"
The other says "I was just about to say that!"

Thank you and goodnight peons!

Nothing is Fair in Love and War

Hello again fans. Welcome to yet another rant by HowlingFetus.

Todays topic is a follow up on YourCaptainSpeaking's last post about the Friend Zone. It got me to thinking that although that situation is common and we can all relate to it, there are other forms of frustration in the love and romance department. I plan on touching on one in particular that has caused me a great deal of heart break and sadness. Something that effected me so greatly that even today, I still have the same thoughts and feelings as I did when it happened. I still cry myself to sleep some nights. I still wake up in the middle of the night, my cheeks crusted from the salt of evaporated tears. You may have now realised that this post will not be in following of my normally humorous rants, but please, give it a chance. This comes from the heart and is not easy for me to talk about .

What I am obviously speaking of, is Love. Not just the love between a regular boyfriend and girlfriend, but something far stronger. Something has persisted for years after not seeing this person. I'm going to call her Binky for the purpose of the blog since we dont use real names here.

So let me start from the beginning. 6 years ago, I met her in class at high school. We were both young, and as young people often do, we became friends just by effect of proximity. It was only a few weeks before I started to "like" her and I made no attempt to keep it a secret. In fact I believe the first thing I did the next day was ask her out which was followed up by a shattering NO.

Fine, I can deal with that. Everyone is rejected once or twice. Well over the years following, I continued to be enamoured by her. Unfortunately, that little crush didnt stay a little crush. It became something more and over time, I fell in love with her. Binky of course had no feelings for me in return but took some form of joy in toying with me. Things arnt easy for a lesbian at high school but they are even harder when you fall in love with a person who treats you like the latest accessory.

Well more time passed and no the two of us have not spoken in nearly 2 years. Most of the time people would think "Well good riddance! I can get on with my life!"...
Not me. I cant let go. I still love her and am afraid I always will. The internal conflict of hating myself for loving her and loving myself for staying strong is almost as bad as the feeling of lonelyness that comes whenever I hear her name or see her face.

It has become a curse that I cant escape no matter what I do, but at least I know I am not alone. I know there are others out there in that exact same situation and this post is for you as much as it is for me.

Love is shit, Love sucks and Love is a waste of time and yet still I hold out hope that I will find my special someone who will love me back. I'm ready to inflict that curse, if only to know the satisfaction that I have taken some form of revenge on life.

Well, thank you for reading. If you have any comments or suggestions on how to make the blog better, leave a comment or use the shout box.

Fuck it.